Still Holding Out For You

Title: Still Holding Out For You
Author: Christina A.
Fandom: Farscape
Pairing: John/Emily (OFC)
Characters: Emily Crichton with mention of John and Jack.
Category: Angst, Drama, Original Character, AU, Songfic
Warning: None
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I do not own the concept of Farscape. O’Bannon and the Hensons do. I do, however, own Emily. The song ‘Still Holding Out For You’ was performed by SheDaisy.
Author’s Notes: This is the last in the pre-mission series before Emily moves over to the Stargate universe. It’s still very angsty, but there’s a bit of hopefulness as well.


Summary: This is the fifth story in the pre-mission series.

Still Holding Out For You
By Christina A.

Never thought I’d be in this place
It’s someone else’s life I’m living
Wish I were living a lie.
The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn’t kiss me good-bye
I’m choking on the words I didn’t get to say
And pray I’d get the chance one day

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think you’ll be there like before
Doesn’t everybody out there know to never come around
Some thing’s a heart won’t listen to
I’m still holding out for you.

I can hear you smile in the dark
I can even feel you breathing
But daylight chases the ghosts.
I see your coat and I fall apart
To those hints of you I’m clinging
Now’s when I need them most
I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead
At least that’s what you would have said.

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think you’ll be there like before
Doesn’t everybody out there know to never come around
Some thing’s a heart won’t listen to
I’m still holding out for you.

Faithfully, I trace your name while you sleep
It’s the only true comfort I feel

I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think you’ll be there like before
Doesn’t everybody out there know to never come around
Some thing’s a heart won’t listen to
I’m still holding out for you.

She didn’t live in this house anymore. She’d tried. Olivia, her sister, had brought some things over and attempted to move in, but Emily couldn’t do it. No matter what she did, Emily could not be in this house and not think about John. He was everywhere… having left pieces of himself in everything that was in the house. The big screen TV was his prize possession, and Emily couldn’t look at it without seeing him on the couch as he watched a football game. The customary bowl of popcorn would be on the table and a can of beer, Michelob, would be on the coaster beside it. Occasionally a kernel would be tossed at the TV when a call didn’t go the way he thought it should.

She saw him when she went to their office. His computer was sitting there with the screen black. If she turned it on, the wallpaper would be of the module. The screen saver would be pictures of them working on it together. His dream… their dream… their life’s work that killed him. She just couldn’t go in there and face it.

The kitchen, where she’d prepare meals and he would come in and sneak food out of the pots when she wasn’t looking, wasn’t any easier to face. She never actually caught him at it, but she’d find the spoon not put back in exactly the right place, or the lid would be on crooked. He was good at sneaking and getting away, but bad at covering the evidence.

In the foyer, his jacket still hung on the hook. His favorite pair of grungy tennis shoes was by the door. He was everywhere, in everything and she couldn’t take it. She couldn’t be there and not have him there with her. It was torture. She would try to lie in that bed and wake up suddenly, thinking he’d be beside her. She’d look out the window and expect to see him mowing the lawn. She’d hear a car drive by and think it was he getting ready to pull in the drive. One time, she even went and opened the door, only realizing he wasn’t ever coming home when she saw her neighbor’s husband returning from work.

It was then that she broke down. She sat in the doorway and cried… she didn’t move until her legs cramped from being in one position too long. After that, she stood and called Dad. He’d come over and held her as she tried to deal with the excruciatingly painful hole in her chest.

She was holding onto him… not letting him go. It was killing her.

*-*-*

Looking back now, she knew that it was that night that Dad had decided that she would move in with him. She knew it was that night that he decided to find her another job… in another city… in another state. But it was also that night that she took the first small step toward moving on. She no longer hoped that he’d magically return to her. It wasn’t going to happen, and though moving on completely had been difficult… She didn’t hold out for him anymore.

She had gone on and made a great life for herself. But those memories of that time would always linger… The time where she couldn’t let go… couldn’t move on… couldn’t breathe without thinking of him. They were imprinted on her memory forever. She just learned to move on despite them.

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