Title: Not Just Any Memory
Author: Christina A.
Fandom: Angel
Pairing: Angelle/Wesley
Characters: Angelle, Spike
Category: Genderbend, Angst, Het, Drama
Warning: Definitely a genderbend!!
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own the concept of Angel. That honor belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I also didn’t think up genderbending either.
Author’s Notes: This is one of those ‘what if’ fics. Not sure if this will continue or not.
Summary: Angelle has so many memories from her long past, but there’s one that she keeps close to her… even if no one else remembers.
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Not Just Any Memory
by Christina A.
She dodged the first stake easily, the second barely missed her. She could almost feel the wood as it brushed past her arm. When everything settled down, she stood and faced the young man. He was angry… no enraged was a better word for it. As his gaze narrowed and the hate shot at her like daggers, she knew who it was. She knew it before the words ‘Hello, Mother’ passed his lips. “Connor?” she softly questioned. The last time she’d seen him, Holtz was holding him firmly in his arms and all of her vampiric speed couldn’t get her to him in time to stop him from jumping into the hell dimension. She’d thought Connor lost to her forever. Yet here he was… Although by the look on his face, he may no longer be lost to her physically, but he was lost to her emotionally.
“Connor,” she said again. How could she express to him everything that she felt? She couldn’t.
“Don’t even bother,” he replied, pointing the weapon at her and firing again…
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Angelle woke with a start. If her body were still alive, she would be gasping for breath. By now, she should be over the nightmares. She should be finished with the haunting dreams of a son only she could remember. Sitting up, she kicked her feet over the side of the bed. She should be over the questioning looks she received from Wesley. Because of the deal with Wolfram & Hart, everyone had forgotten Connor’s existance. Everyone but her. Of course, that meant that Wesley had forgotten the betrayal. He’d forgotten that he had failed to trust her enough to know that she would have dusted herself before hurting her infant son.
It had been true that the lawyers had been feeding her minute amounts of his blood… and she admitted that she had gotten a ‘taste’ for him. But Wesley had been there in that alley the night Connor had been born. He’d used the knife to cut her open and deliver the child. She’d tried to stake herself, but Wesley had refused to give her up. Instead, he had cut her open, and delivered the baby. Darrin, her sire and the baby’s father had been dusted the night the baby had been conceived. She’d turned to her sire out of desperation. Depression over loving someone else and being unable to fulfill that love… ever… had driven her to a depth of despair that she’d never felt before. Darrin had shown up, and they’d come together in the heat of the moment.
He’d wanted to bring ‘her’ back of course. Another sorry individual who had confused sex for complete happiness. Darrin could never make the ensouled Angelle happy. Angelica… oh he could make her happy… but Angelle could never have complete happiness. Not even if she were able to repair ‘damage’ with Wesley, she could never be completely happy. It had been proven when the Beast arrived and the gang believe Angelica had information that Angelle couldn’t remember. Her moment of complete happiness had come in… not only getting Wesley back… but in repairing relations with her son.
Connor.
Her heart may not beat, but it did ache. It ached for the love of the only son she’d ever have. The only thing she’d ever done in her long life that had meant a damn thing.
“You know, it’s a shame that a good-looking tart like you should be so frought with bad dreams. Really, it’s rather annoying that you keep waking like that.”
“Spike,” she hissed, “I told you, my room… off limits.”
“But it’s such a nice room… nice silk sheets…” He crossed over to the windows, peering down to the street below. “Nice view of the city. You’re on top of the world… living the high life… And you have your own personal ghost haunting you. How lucky can you be?!”
“If I were truly lucky, the next time you disappeared, you wouldn’t come back.” She shook her head and got out of bed, grabbing up her dress before heading into the bathroom to change.
“C’mon,” his voice followed her into the restroom. “Surely you aren’t modest.” He laughed as she returned, fully clothed.
“Not hardly. I was hoping you’d be gone when I returned.” She moved to the refrigerator pulling out a pint of the blood that Harmony had shipped in for her. Looking down at the container, she remembered Spike’s words about ‘living the high life’ and nearly growled at the correctness of them. In so many ways, his barbs were right. That knowledge upset her more than anything. Still, she filled a glass and sipped at the thick liquid slowly.
“You should just tell him,” Spike’s voice came crashing into her thoughts.
“Who?”
“The bloody poof,” Spike said, rolling his eyes like it was more than obvious. “I mean, you have feelings for the wanker. Just get real and tell him already.”
“Stay out of it, Spike. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Bloody hell, I don’t.” He spouted off. “You have got to be one of the most thick-headed… women… I have had the sorry pleasure of meeting. You love him… he loves you… You put distance between the two of you and he doesn’t know why. I mean besides the ‘pure happiness and losing your soul’ bit aside… the curse doesn’t say you can’t fall in love.” He held his hand to his mouth as his eyes danced with mirth. “Oops,” he chided, “too late for that. You are in love.” He flickered in and out of existance. “Bullocks,” he groused before fazing out completely.
“Finally,” she said, moving away from the counter. She hadn’t moved the entire time he talked. Sometimes things were done that just couldn’t be forgiven. And she knew all about forgiveness. Sitting in the chair she shook her head. No, it wasn’t forgiveness that was the issue. She’d honestly forgiven Wesley a long time ago for kidnapping her son. What she couldn’t do was forget… trust enough to let him back in. They continued to work together. His knowledge was indispensable to her. But she wasn’t sure she could ever fully trust him again.
And it rankled on a level she couldn’t explain that Spike knew about her feelings for the former Watcher. It enfuriated her even more that he made such a big deal about it. Her head turned and she watched as the sun started to come up. The windows of Wolfram & Hart protected her from the beautifully deadly rays of the sun. She, like the other members of the gang, had come here because they believed that they could use the offices to perform good. But were they?
Her eyes drifted closed and her son’s face floated into her mind. Again, her unbeating heart felt a momentous amount of pain. “Connor…” she whispered softly. The lawyers had used him to get to her. They’d offered him the one thing that Angelle could never give him… a chance at a good life. In letting him go, she’d allowed him to forget the horror of his childhood… the fact that his parents were vampires… he didn’t know her, Cordelia, or Jasmine. But the price, that she was stuck with the memories. That she would forever know what Wesley had done… though Wesley would never remember. She had to look into his questioning eyes every day… long to confide in him… wish for the world to just slip away long enough for her to hold him or him to hold her. He didn’t have eternity like she did. She had time; he didn’t.
So how long was she going to hold onto the hurt? How long was he going to have to be forced to pay for something he didn’t know he’d done?
As her eyes were closed, she didn’t notice Spike faze back into her ‘world’. “What the…?” He caught sight of her. “You’re bloody at it again!”
Her eyes opened and she stood. Taking her glass with her, she headed for the door. “Go to hell, Spike.” She opened the door and looked back at him. “This time, stay there, would you?” With that, she shut the door behind her.
“And miss this,” he said with a smile. “No way.”
Tags: angel, angst, drama, genderbender, het, rating: pg-13, spike, wesley wyndam-pryce