Title: Perfectly Happy
Author: Christina A.
Fandom: Angel
Pairing: Angel/Wesley
Characters: Angel, Wesley, Connor
Category: Angst, Dark, Slash
Warning: Definitely a slash pairing here!
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own Angel, Wesley, Connor, nor the concept of the show. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do.
Author’s Notes: Although I like the idea of Angel/Wesley, this is my first attempt at writing it.
Summary: Wesley worries about Angel being perfectly happy
Perfectly Happy
by Christina A.
“You’re not perfectly happy, are you?”
He remembered so clearly the night Wesley had asked that question. It had been, perhaps, the only time he really regretting the answer that ‘no, he wasn’t perfectly happy’. He still had his soul, he wasn’t perfectly happy. He was still very much Angel. He hadn’t meant it to be a hurtful moment for Wes. But then again, there were a lot of things he hadn’t meant to have happen, and they had.
The question had come to Angel as they both lay spent and rather breathless in the vampire’s king-sized bed. They’d come together quickly… years of pent up denial and frustration coming to the forefront after a heated exchange of words over a case. They’d disagreed… again, but instead of going their separate ways and brooding, Angel had reached for him and tried to shut that stubborn British mouth with his own.
Lips led to tongues, which led to nakedness and finally two very worn out men.
Happily worn out men…
But not perfectly happy.
“You aren’t perfectly happy, are you?” Wesley had asked, and Angel had looked at him like he’d grown a third eye. Had he wanted Angelus to return? No, of course not. What Wesley had wanted to know was actually how he felt about them. In that moment, had he been able to achieve complete happiness.
The answer had been ‘no’. He hadn’t said much either as Wesley got out of the bed, dressed, and left the apartment. What could he say? ‘I’m sorry.’ He could have, but it would have been a lie. He wasn’t sorry that they’d slept together. Or more to the point he wasn’t sorry that they’d had sex. Angel was far from adverse with fornicating with either sex. He just hadn’t made a habit of casual sex in decades.
Well… there was Darla.
He’d tried over the next several weeks to explain to Wesley that it wasn’t that he hadn’t been happy about their situation. He hadn’t *not* liked it. In fact, he found himself dreaming about it at night. He would fall asleep and feel Wesley’s body as it moved against his. He’d awaken with an erection, and curse the gypsies who’d left him like this.
There was no way Angel could lie about it. If he wasn’t perfectly happy, everyone would know. So long as he wasn’t perfectly happy, he was Angel. The alternative made him shudder… even now. He could be happy, and he found that when he looked back on that night with Wesley, he had been happy. There were factors in his life that would forever keep him from being perfectly happy.
Connor for one. How did a parent ever truly be perfectly happy when he was denied contact with his child? That alone would keep Angel miserable for the rest of his life. He remembered cursing himself for not bringing it up sooner, and when he went to point that out to Wesley, he’d found his lover… in Fred’s arms. Angel hadn’t said anything, merely closed his eyes and walked away. How long had the former Watcher pined for Winifred Burkle? Too damn long. So Angel had been happy for him.
But at night… At night he had still dreamed.
He dreamed about Wesley coming to him, holding him and being held by him. He felt strong arms and legs wrap around him in moments of unbridled passion.
Then invariably… “You aren’t perfectly happy, are you?”
As he sat at his desk, looking toward the end of all things, those words, he knew, would haunt him forever. Wesley was content, happier than he’d ever been. He had Fred. But damn! Angel should have explained… that night… that night when he held Wesley and he’d asked that fateful question. Angel hadn’t answered. He hadn’t answered because he’d believed it to be obvious. No, he wasn’t. But there had been reasons… circumstances.
And now there was nothing he could do about it to change it. He wouldn’t get a chance to tell Wesley the complete truth. He hadn’t been perfectly happy that day… no. But damnit, he’d been as close to it as he’d been able to come in many, many years. He hadn’t said that the one bright spot in his overall dismal life had been finally showing Wesley how he felt for him. That the touching and loving was far, far more than a simple physical act. That he was taking happiness in increments and holding onto them with both hands because he knew that very soon they would all be gone.
He hadn’t told Wesley any of that.
And now it was too late. Wesley had moved on. All Angel could do was sit and obsess about that one moment in time. He’d been given the opportunity. Hell, he’d been handed the brass ring he hadn’t even known he wanted. What had he done with it? Scoffed at it and tossed it back in the face of the one who offered it. He had been a fool and he knew it.
*-*-*
“You aren’t perfectly happy, are you?”
“No, Wesley. I’m not.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No need to be. You see, I don’t honestly believe I can ever be perfectly happy. Not anymore. Not with so much out there that I could have done, should have done, and may never get to do.”
“I wish I could help you with that.”
“So do I, Wesley. There are simply some things that cannot be undone no matter how much we may wish it to be. I guess we both understand that in our own ways. You can help though, in a way. With this, with moments just like this. I’ll take patches of happiness where I can get them. Right now, I’m happy.”
“But not perfectly?”
“Nope, not perfectly.”
*-*-*
Angel rolled over in bed and smiled to himself. In the dream, the scenario played out precisely how he wanted it to. The full answer to the question led to even more passionate sex until both man and vampire were spent and simply unable to move. Oh yes, in the dream, everything could be perfect…
Perfectly happy.
Tags: angel, angel/wesley, angst, connor, dark, rating: r, slash, wesley wyndam-pryce