Title: Definition of a Man
Author: Christina A.
Fandom: Angel
Pairing: Wesley/Lindsay
Characters: Wesley
Category: Dark, Drama, Angst, Slash
Warning: There are hints of an m/m relationship here.
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own Wesley or Lindsay. They were created by Joss Whedon and produced by Mutant Enemy. I am just borrowing them for this story
Summary: Wesley struggles with the true definition of what makes a man.
Definition of a Man
by Christina A
Life was a rollercoaster. There were highs and there were lows. What defined a person… a man… was not so much how he handled the highs. Anyone could ride the coaster when it was on a high. The view was fantastic. The G-forces were minimal. There were smiles and happiness. It was the lows were what define a man. They tested him. Challenged his character. The plummet from the ‘high’ was painful. It hurt the ears, the jaw tightened. The best way to relieve the pressure was to scream. But that couldn’t always happen. There were times when screaming and when crying out were nearly impossible.
So comfort from the pressure must be sought out elsewhere.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce was not really impressed with the definition he was writing about himself. He had kidnapped his best friend’s son and gotten his throat sliced open. His friend had then tried to kill him without hearing his explanation. It hadn’t mattered, not in the long run. What had mattered was that Holtz had kidnapped Connor and taken him to the hell dimension… for that, Angel had tried to kill Wesley.
But that was not Wesley’s lowest point… oh no! He had sunk lower… much, much lower. Lindsey McDonald.
Just the thought of him caused the pit of Wesley’s stomach to recoil. Standing in his shower, the steaming hot water wasn’t enough to wash Lindsey away. The scent of him. The feel of him. The water couldn’t wash Lindsey out of his mind or the thrill of the response from his body when Lindsey touched him. What sickened him even more was that just the thought of him now was causing his body to react. When had things hit such a low? He’d lost all hope of returning to Angel and the work he did there. But had he become so self-deprecating that he found comfort in the arms of Lindsey and he liked it… craved it even.
He grabbed the washcloth and filled it with soap. The scent was musky… much like his lover. And Wesley couldn’t help but think what it would be like to have Lindsey in the shower with him… to lather him up… to wash away the evidence of their joining and not just have him get out of the bed when it was over and walk away… leaving Wesley alone with his thoughts. The only time the nagging thoughts would leave his mind were when the lawyer from Wolfram & Hart was here.
They would meet, and the rush for copulation would leave them both winded and spent. Then invariably either Wesley would tell him to leave or he would of his own accord. They’d make a ‘date’ to meet again… the next night… the next day during lunch. He’d watch as the lawyer would dress. There were times he didn’t want Lindsey to leave. It would be on the tip of his tongue, but he’d never say anything. He was certain that Lindsey wouldn’t stay anyway.
Wesley ran the soapy cloth over his body, ridding himself of all evidence of their latest coupling. Nothing was going to change. This was his life. This was the consequence of the choices he’d made. If he could go back and change them, he would. At the time, he firmly believed he was doing the right thing. Now he knew different. What was happening now, however, he wasn’t sure he wanted to give up. He wanted his friends back. He wanted to return to Angel Investigations. He wanted Lindsey too… any way he could get him. Realistically, he knew the only way he’d have Lindsey was in his bed. It was a relationship based on physical gratification. It was purely sexual, yet tainted with the prospect of use and betrayal. Neither let on that there was any kind of an emotional connection.
There were times, though, that Wesley wondered what Lindsey was thinking… what he was feeling. Did he go home and have the same thoughts running through his mind? Or did he just go on with his life like he had no lover? Wesley found himself hoping it was the former, but believed it was the latter.
It was another consequence of the low he was on… another bit of proof that the way he was going to be defined was by the fact that he was wallowing in the ‘low’. He was standing in the shower aching for emotions from someone who could never give them, and wanting to go home where he would never be wanted.
He turned off the shower and stepped out. Grabbing a towel, he dried himself off before wrapping it around his waist. He didn’t bother to dress, just walked into the main living area. A bottle of scotch was sitting on the table and he picked it up and took a long pull on it before dropping onto the bed. He draped his arm over his eyes and tried to clear out his mind. He tried to contemplate what he could do with his future. He could hunt demons again. He could still fight the good fight, even if he wasn’t fighting it with Angel. He could redefine himself… turn the bad into good.
He could do that.
For a while, he even focused on it. He made plans to procure weapons… mapped out routes in his mind to patrol. He’d establish his own group and he would lead them. They would slay demons… protect innocents. Wolfram & Hart would still focus on…
Wolfram & Hart…
The thought of the law firm brought back the thought of Lindsey. Suddenly, all the noble and good intentions flew out the window and he was left to once again feel disgusted and hopeless. He wasn’t going to be able to get anything done until he decided what to do about Lindsey McDonald. He wasn’t going to stop fucking him. There was simply no way that Wesley was going to be the one to end that. Sadly, though, that was all it was ever going to be, which was the source of Wesley’s frustration.
The definition of himself through this low was that of a man who was dependent upon his lust for another… who would always want something more, but would never be able to admit it to anyone but himself. It was never the definition he thought he’d have… but it was the one he was stuck with, as he did not have the strength of will to change it.
Tags: angst, dark, drama, lindsay mcdonald, rating: r, slash, wesley wyndam-pryce, wesley/lindsay